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Meant
To Be
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The first premonition came in late April, 1999,
when I was 8 months plus a few days pregnant with Cody. It had been a very
normal pregnancy, all my checkups had been fine. This particular morning,
like every other morning, I got up around 8 AM, showered, and got dressed.
Then, as I was walking into the kitchen, I had an experience that I am almost
incapable of describing. An impression came to me so strongly that I started
to cry. It was an overwhelming feeling, a "sixth sense," so to
speak. I immediately picked up the phone to tell my mother what I was feeling. "Hello," she answered, and by
then I was crying uncontrollably. She asked, "What’s wrong, baby?""Momma,...I don’t think God is
going to let me keep this baby.""Oh honey, don’t say that!" she
said."I can’t help it, Momma. I just
feel that way."She tried to make me feel better,
saying that I was only scaring myself over childbirth which was only a few
weeks away. I did stop crying eventually, although from that morning on,
the feeling that we would lose Cody never left me.On May 10, mild contractions began
around 11:30 PM, and I was awake on and off all night. The next morning
Randy and I went to the doctor's and they told me to go back home for a
while. I was barely dilated. So we went home, packed my suitcase, and made
phone calls to family and friends. Then we waited.This was my first pregnancy, and
I really didn't know what to expect or how long the birth process would
take. So, when I started having more pain, we went right to the hospital,
feeling it was better to be safe than sorry. As it turned it out, I was
very slow dilating, and it wasn't until the next day, May 12, that our precious
son, Randall Cody Griffin, was born. I have to admit, even as I was pushing
him out of my body, I honestly expected the doctor to deliver him and then
say, "I’m sorry..." My feelings were just so strong about it. But when he
was born alive, I was so happy! I had given birth to a wonderful baby boy—7
pounds,14 ounces, 19 1/2 inches long. I was grateful to know that I had
been wrong, and I silently thanked God.We had so many visitors over the
next two days that I was more than ready to get home with my new family
and get some rest! My mother came to help out, and of course every little
noise Cody made, we were all wide-eyed. Our "hearing" had increased.The next morning, me and Momma
were standing over Cody’s bassinet, admiring how beautiful he was, and once
again I experienced the "feeling" that I would not be keeping my child.
I immediately broke into tears. "Momma," I cried, "God’s not going
to let me keep him." I had never felt more certain of anything in my life.
I knew our time with Cody would be short. But of course I wasn't willing
to accept it. What I would eventually come to know as God’s loving preparation,
I tried my best to ignore over the coming days and weeks.When the time came for me to return
to work, I was very cautious about who would care for Cody. I wanted someone
close to my work so that I could get to him quickly in case something happened.
And I was insistent that the person know CPR. I returned to work—reluctantly—on
July 12. I hated leaving Cody, but I had found the perfect sitter. Not only
did she know CPR, but she had a loving nature, was wonderful with children,
and lived only 2 blocks away from my job.I continued to purposely ignore
my feelings of things to come. I told a friend who had lost a child that
I would absolutely die if something were to happen to Cody. Even as I said
it, I thought of those "feelings," but I pushed them away. I had not told
Randy about my premonitions, and as I watched him loving and playing with
Cody, I would feel so sad. Randy loved Cody with all his heart, as I did,
and I knew we would never see our son grow up. I knew it would break Randy's
heart when the time came.When my last "warning" came, I
did not even tell my mother. I thought I was really losing my mind this
time, and I did not want to worry her. Every afternoon after work was my
"quality time" with Cody. He and I would sit in the recliner and
play "ride the bicycle" and another game I called "booden, booden, Poop,"
which he always loved. I would flip his bottom lip down twice with my finger
and say, "booden, booden." Then I would tap his nose and in a
high voice say, "Poop!" This always made him laugh. It was during
this game one afternoon that, after the "Poop," his smile turned
into a most serious look, and his eyes changed, suddenly appearing like
those of a wise old person. Cody was just 3 months old and could not speak,
but he looked deep into my eyes as if to say, "Momma,...I’m not going to
be here much longer." I gazed back into his eyes as if to say, "I know..."
And then suddenly I became frightened. I had to get up, sit him in the recliner,
and walk away. I went to the kitchen, trembling and thinking, What’s
wrong with me? Am I losing my mind? Why do I keep feeling this way?
I didn't know how or why it would happen but I knew Cody would be leaving
us.A week later, on August 17, I
received a call at work from the sitter. Something had happened. Later we
found ourselves at the hospital, and Cody was on life support. And the next
day, our baby died. It was from SIDS—Sudden Infant Death Syndrome.
The life support was removed, the doctor checked his heartbeat one last
time, and then he said it was over. Still holding Cody in my arms, I looked
up at my mother and in a tear-choked voice said, "I told you...." Then,
though I had known this would come, complete shock and overwhelming devastation
and grief fell hard on me.The night of Cody’s funeral, I
was awakened by something in the night. I looked at my sleeping husband,
and in disbelief I saw my Cody sitting on his back. He wore the same outfit
he had worn the day he died, and he held his arms up as if to balance himself.
I know he was letting me know he was all right. I hit my husband to wake
him up, and Cody just dissolved into thin air. "Randy!" I said,
"I just saw Cody!" (Little did I know, about the same time this happened,
the rest of my family was at the nursing home where my paternal grandmother,
Mae T. Dollar, had just passed away. All of this happened on my father's
65th birthday.)After that night I asked God many
times to let me see Cody again. One day, driving home from work, I told
God that if he would allow me to see Cody just one more time, or show me
some other unmistakable sign, I would never ask again. Minutes later, as
I was driving into our driveway, I noticed something on the roof of the
house. I parked and got out. It was a huge hawk! He flew in front of my
car and landed in a tree in our front yard. I walked closer to him, and
he turned to look at me, then flew off. Never before had that happened to
us, and it hasn't happened since. I knew God had given me what I asked for.
And I have kept my promise and have never asked to see Cody again.I know my baby lives with God
and that he is all right. I tried to ignore my premonitions at the time
because I didn't really understand where they were coming from. But now
I know that they were from God and the Holy Spirit (Proverbs 16:1) and were
meant to prepare me. Remembering them now gives me comfort and strength.
They show me that Cody's leaving us was not an accident. I'm so grateful
to know that he—that all of us—are in God's loving and knowing
hands.I now support the SIDS Alliance,
but I will always believe that SIDS is nothing more than the will of God.
Babies don’t just die without a reason. SIDS babies show no signs of suffering,
and doctors cannot find ANYTHING medically wrong with them in an autopsy
that would cause their deaths. It is as if God himself, reaches in, takes
their souls, and leaves their bodies to die....As if it is "meant to
be."  Sandy Dollar Griffin Meant To Be, Part 2 Online remembrance and photos of Cody To email Sandy Dollar Griffin For information on SIDS, call 1-800-221-SIDS |
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Copyright
© 1992-2002 by Betty J. Eadie |
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