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continued...
 My whole life did change after
that day. Sometimes in little, subtle ways, sometimes in big ways, but
it definitely has never been the same since. Everything that I think and
feel about things, the way I see and hear things, has changed in some
way or another. The first year after the surgery and the experience, I
felt confused, frustrated, sometimes afraid. I felt ashamed and embarrassed
to tell anyone what had happened in that room. I was afraid that they
wouldn’t believe me, or would make fun of me, ridicule me, or think I
had just lost my mind. I also felt guilty. If I had died, and I was even
close to “God” or “Heaven”, then I should not have wanted to come back.
I felt as though I had turned my back on what I was taught about “God”
and “Heaven”. But I saw no “God”, and I did not “know” the experience
to be “Heaven”. What I did know, was that it was absolute peace and love
and harmony and oneness and calm. I do know that I was not afraid. I wanted
to be there, wanted to stay, and I am not afraid of going back. In fact,
I look forward to the day that I have fulfilled my purpose and can go
back and keep going to what is next for me.
There IS something better for
us in this life that most of us don’t seem to realize or allow ourselves
to reach. I now KNOW there is something even better after this life. In
the years since my experience, I have had a strong desire to LIVE life
and have continued to try to pursue that goal. I have learned how to truly
love people, so much so, that at times it physically hurts. I have always
been extremely sensitive to people and their feelings, internally, but
even more so now I seem to “feel” people.
I have always loved to touch
and hug people. But now sometimes touching people is painful, confusing,
frustrating, frightening or it can be extremely warm and happy because
it seems as if I just "know" things about people that I touch,
things which can be happy, sad, good, bad, absolutely wonderful or at
times absolutely frightening. It has become an ultimately sad and at the
same time, ultimately happy secret to carry around though sometimes I
want to tell people what I know, but I couldn't tell them why or how.
I just know it. So, I don’t say anything. I question myself about how
and why I think and feel and know these things. There must be a logical,
reasonable explanation for how I know, and why I feel these things. I
just haven’t found the answers yet, so how could I possibly expect anyone
else to believe me?
It is so frustrating not to
be able to talk to anyone about these things. It is so frustrating to
not be able to tell people things that I know could help them or make
them feel better or reassure them, because I couldn’t possibly tell them
how I know.
I wish I could tell people:
it isn’t just about believing in “God” or “Heaven” or “Buddha” or UFO’s
that is important. It’s about believing in peace, love and human compassion.
It is about valuing life and living it, meeting your potential and following
your heart and soul. It is about living a life in contact with others,
the way that you want to be treated. To try to tell these things, with
no facts to back my words, would make me sound like some kind of hippie
or flower child on an LSD trip. How, could I possibly begin to tell you?
Well, at least I finally made
peace with my frustration. It just suddenly became perfectly logical and
clear to me. Something that seems in reality should have been perfectly
logical and clear all along. It doesn’t matter if I tell, or who I tell.
It doesn’t matter if I find the logical, rational facts to be able to
explain to anyone what happened or the reality of what happened. It is
my truth and mine alone, and that is all that matters.
It is not unlike being a parent
or a friend, wanting to help or protect those you love and care about
by sharing your knowledge and experience in an effort to keep them from
having to suffer needlessly in learning lessons you have already learned.
In reality, the telling does not keep your children or your friends from
going ahead down the same path in an effort to learn for themselves. They
must—we all must—learn our truths for ourselves. We do not know
a truth or fact until we have experienced it for ourselves. We must see
it, feel it, taste it, hear it, experience all of its realities with our
own senses for any truth to become our own.
What I have experienced, what
I know to be truth, may very well help someone some day. It may help them
to seek out their own truth, or to listen to their truth when it becomes
available to them. Sharing what I know may only be a seed to help others
find the answers to their questions, answers which then may become their
own reality. What I have learned may serve to give someone else comfort
or reassurance when they find the same truth. It may help them to know
and accept that such truth really does exist. It is my responsibility
to myself and to my truth to tell anyone I can, even if I cannot back
it up with quantifiable fact. If they are not ready to listen yet, don’t
want to hear, that is okay. When they are ready, when things, places,
and experiences in their own lives have acknowledged for them the truth,
they will be more accepting of it and willing to make it their own truth.
That truth I am speaking of
is that there is more to life than material possessions. People are more
than what you see and hear and judge at face value. There is a soul/inner
being/Holy Spirit within each of us that guides us through this life and
leads us down the path of our purpose. To know one's peace or inner truth,
one must learn to listen and accept that inner being and know that it
exists. When a person has accepted this truth which comes from within,
they will know that what really matters in this life is knowing love,
peace and compassion.
Everything in life is only this:
the opportunity to learn and experience unconditional love. Every day,
you touch someone’s life. It may be in line at the grocery store, it may
be someone you work with, see at church or school or just walking down
the street. Just your very existence has in some way touched their life.
Likewise for those you come in contact with even briefly. They have touched
you, have had some impact on your experience, no matter how minute it
may seem at that given moment.
Cherish each moment from each
“person” that touches your life. They may have taught you something you
didn’t even know you learned. You may have taught them something you didn’t
even realize you could teach them. Feel compassion and empathy for them,
because you do not know that you haven’t known them before or during this
life, or that you will not know them again in your future. You do not
know, how valuable, what little seed of knowledge they give to you may
be to your future or to theirs.
Don’t wait to find your “heaven”
in the clouds. Find it here on this earth and in this lifetime, because
it exists and it will be for you what you make it and what you are willing
to accept of it.
“Religion” is to each individual
their own personal experience, values, beliefs and what they need to know
and find from it. The existence of a “Heaven” or a “Hell” and ones existence
therein, in my knowledge, is not based on their belief or faith in a “God”
or a “Satan”. It is based on their belief of truth, knowledge, faith,
love, peace and compassion. Verbally professing to have faith in a “God”
or a “Satan” or the “Heaven” which Christians profess to exist will not
assure an eternal rest in a “Heaven” with a “God” or a “Hell” with a “Satan”.
I know this to be my own truth from my own experience.
A “Heavenly” existence for any
of us will be what we have made of our own individual earthly existences,
the truths we have lived and taught and believed in our current lives,
and the love, peace and compassion we have known for ourselves and for
those we have touched. Anything else will be what we make to be our own
“Hellish” existence.
It would seem that I have given
people good reason to question MY faith. How can they believe me, how
can they know if I believe if I don’t spout profusely about God or the
fact that God saved my life and showed me a new way? Don’t you think for
one second that I haven't asked myself this same question numerous times
in the last seven or eight years. The first person I told and spoke to
about my experience was a minister because I was so confused and riddled
with guilt over how it related to my “religious belief”. I have asked
myself all the same questions, over and over and over again. What is my
purpose? Why did this happen to me and what am I suppose to do with this
information if no one will believe my experience even happened to me?
It was the most wondrous, enlightening experience a person could have
and live to tell about. Therefore, if there are people out there who haven’t
even had this experience but are professing the wonders and magnitude
of God, why can’t I?
I have studied numerous religions
in the last seven years. I have studied and researched and asked a multitude
of questions, trying to find these answers. Trying to find quantifiable
facts to be able to relate to, to give me sound grounds to go on in telling
my story to people and the beliefs my experience gave to me. I believe
now that I had to do that first to understand my purpose and fulfill it.
I believe it is not my purpose to tell or teach people about God. If you
will look, and listen, I have not professed my faith in “God” nor have
I denounced it. What I have done is to profess and support my faith in
the teachings of your religious belief.
You see I have found, learned,
and know with my inner truth, that this is not just about God. And THAT,
is my purpose. There are plenty of people out there to teach you about
God, Allah, Buddha, or the Goddess, in Christianity, be it Baptist, Catholic,
Methodist, Episcopalian, or in Judaism, Islam, Buddhism, Pagan belief
or any other name you need your “religion” to be. If you study any of
them the message is the same. The message is tailored to your cultural,
spiritual, family, religious needs. That message is LOVE AND COMPASSION.
The basis and the basic principle of any of these religions has the same
set of “standards”. Love your fellow man, have compassion for him, do
not kill, do not take what is not yours, respect your father and mother,
for they are your guides and teachers in this life, do unto others as
you would have them do unto you.
It is not my purpose to even
attempt to teach anyone about “their” God. Perhaps it is my purpose to
help people “feel” what they learn. Perhaps it is my purpose to remind
myself as well as others that it is not just the words but the message.
We are wasting valuable time, precious resources, energy and spirituality
fighting over the “names” of it. Christianity is not better than Buddhism.
Christianity is not “right” and Buddhism “wrong”. If Christianity is what
is required to teach the majority of Caucasian, middle class America about
love and compassion, then the religion for that cultural group needs to
be Christianity. But if Buddhism is what is needed to teach the Eastern
Civilization about love and compassion, then so be it. It is not ours,
yours or mine or anyone else's place or need to try to tell anyone they
are “wrong”, or that their religion is not “right” if it still teaches
the same message.
Your “God” has many faces and
many names. Did he put you here to tell others about your God? Or did
he put you here to teach others about love and compassion? And if so,
how are we teaching it? By being pompous and uncompassionate toward others
belief systems? Denouncing their “God” over ours? Or by living, breathing,
showing them what our God has taught and shown us?
Yes, please question MY faith,
for it will make you question yours. What is your faith? God? Buddha?
The Book? The Scientific Theory? Or is it loving and being compassionate
to all things that exist in this life that you know now? Listen to your
own inner truth, it will tell you.
I feel a need to tell a few
people in my life right now. To try to share with them, talk with them
and help them to understand what they want and need to understand right
now. But I have no desire or need to argue anymore. In the last seven
years, I couldn't, wouldn't tell, because I felt a need to be able to
"convince" people that my story was true, that it really happened and
that what I learned from it is TRUTH. If I couldn't "prove" it, or MAKE
them see the truth, then I didn't want to tell them about it at all.
I now know that my truth is
MY truth in the way I see and feel and hear it to be truth, and that I
cannot and do not need to convince someone else of it. They may share
that truth, but in different ways or at this moment in life, different
tangibles are helping them to make their way to their own internal truth.
This is where they need to be in their life at this moment, and it is
not my desire to take them from this place. I only have a need to share
with them what I can, to be able to help them find their own inner truth.
Right now, I speak softly or
not at all. If they need or want to hear my truth, I could whisper it,
and they would hear it and know it. They will not know it from my words
but from my actions and from their own inner voice. "And they will know
we are Christians by our love."
I have spent so much time doubting
and second-guessing myself these past years, that I have come to believe
that even now, as I am beginning to share my experience with others, my
doubts and questioning keep me humble. The doubting keeps me from being
or feeling boastful or egotistical in the telling.
It was not until very recently
that I whispered to a very special person, almost apologetically, "I am
special. I know that I am special." Not special because of material things
or physical attraction or talents, but because I have this knowledge,
because I have had this experience, because I have been given a unique
opportunity to learn how to love again, unconditionally. Without the doubts
and the second guessing, I am afraid the magnificence of the experience
would have made me boastful in the telling. And then surely no one would
have believed me.
But they do not need to believe
me. I do not need for others to believe me. I only hope for others that
they can listen to and believe in their own inner truth. I only need to
show others the lesson of love and compassion through my actions. That
our One True Creator showed to me. 
Tina Kettler
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